Heartbreak Indeed

I realize I might be in the minority on this one, but I really dig Kanye West's latest release 808s & Heartbreak. Though not as musically adventurous as his college-themed albums, West takes a huge leap in exploring his inner world in ways seldom heard on record. On it West sounds like a man who has had his world turned upside down, which of course, he has. Recorded after the much publicized loss of his mother and breakup of a long engagement, West is completely autobiographical here, breathtakingly confessional. Instead of getting a recording after all the processing has been done, all the lessons learned, it's as if West is processing aloud and we are drawn into the very immediate, raw, dark journey with him. In the process, gone is most of the bravado and swagger from previous albums (though the jilted lover is present throughout), as is much of the sampling he's best known for, but all this without sacrificing his knack for catchy hooks and clever lyrics. It's simply a very good pop/R&B record.

An interesting thread on the album is the heartbeat you hear on every track in the drum or bass line, similar to what Brian Wilson accomplished on some of Pet Sounds. On "Say You Will," the opening track is framed by the ever-present sound of a heart monitor beeping slowly, methodically, signaling that a heartbeat does persist, if barely, but at the same time raising the question of just how long this heart will hold on? Is this a man at the end of things or is this the beginning of a life? Or both?

In the middle of the record are the upbeat "Love Lockdown" and the club-ready "Paranoid," a song as catchy, optimist and reassuring as anything he's written. But most of the record is an introspective journal of self-doubt and existential questioning. On "Welcome to Heartbreak" he ponders if life has indeed passed him bye, if he's somehow gained the whole world but lost his soul. On "Street Lights" he realizes moments are passing, even while he contemplates how unfair life has been. The result is seeing his destination ahead, but no longer certain if he wants to arrive there anymore. The fact that that West records his voice through AutoTune on most of the album creates an interesting tension, sounding more machine on a very human record.

But the showcase of 808s is the final track, "Pinocchio Story," recorded live in Singapore. It's an emotionally raw and remarkably moving song for its vulnerability and passion, stripped of any instrumentation except for sparse piano. In it West seems to be resigned that he has sacrificed a real life (one not overcome with photographers or autograph-hounding fans) in pursuit of fame and the flashing lights. "What's it feel like to have a real life?" he asks the crowd, and you feel his anguish (even if you get the sense the crowd has no idea what the song is about). By the end of the track, he is at his most intimate, offering a glimpse into his tortured soul, wondering aloud if his own ambition for the American Dream is ultimately to blame for his mother's untimely death by plastic surgery. The depth of his regret and guilt is difficult to hear in its honesty. He closes the song by faintly offering, "The wise men say...'Someday you'll find your way.'"

Standing there by himself on that big stage amongst all those people, you can't help but sense that he is utterly alone. I suppose we can ask if we should really feel sorry for Kanye West, given his usual schtick and all that he has. But like the record began, it does leave you wondering if he will find his way and what that will do for his music. And that makes for an intriguing question for the moment.

Room For One More

It's holiday season, and with it, the onslaught of dinners with family and friends. All the more reason to recommend Christine Pohl's excellent book exploring the rich biblical and historical tradition of Christian hospitality through the centuries. It's not a "how-to" book, but more of a thoughtful read for the serious student on the topic. Especially wonderful are the chapters providing a theological framework for hospitality and the sober treatment of its limitations, boundaries, and temptations. Considering, as Pohl writes, "Hospitality is not optional for Christians, nor is it limited to those who are specially gifted for it," the book may be a worthwhile read for a lot of followers of Christ.

She puts forth that two NT texts in particular - Luke 14 and Matthew 25 - have shaped the distinction between conventional and Christian hospitality through the centuries. Of Luke 14, she notes that "Jesus challenges narrow definitions and dimensions of hospitality and presses them outward to include those with whom one least desires to have connections." Jesus is not exactly opposed to us inviting our friends or family over for dinner (certainly this the first step in hospitality and one that cannot be assumed in our postmodern world), but nor should we expect any special commendation for doing so - for even the larger society does this. What is distinctively Christian, according to Jesus, is to include the excluded, to radically alter in our eyes and company who we deem "good to be with."

In Pohl's exposition of Matthew 25, she notes, "Those who have welcomed strangers and have met the needs of persons in distress have welcomed Jesus himself, and are themselves welcomed into the Kingdom...this has been the most important passage for the entire tradition on Christian hospitality. 'I was a stranger and you welcomed me.'"

Considering that offers of food or a meal together are central to nearly all biblical stories of hospitality, the community here at Epic is exploring ways to include the stranger among us, whether that stranger is the person sitting next to us, the new visitor we're meeting for the first time, or the homeless person who walks through our doors. We no longer assume everyone can afford to go out to lunch. Or that everyone has a place to go for the holidays. Or that everyone knows somebody here. So we're experimenting with creative ways to be the church together, to open up our lives and homes to include a diversity of people. And we'd like to take the church out into our neighborhood to share our food and company with the hungry.

But there are no romantic notions here. And if there are, they will quickly vanish with the first rays of reality. Hospitality is hard work. It is inconvenient. It is uncomfortable. It challenges our core sense of privacy, of individuality, of preference. Frankly, I'm not good at it. I'm convinced this is another one of those things that cannot be done without a good amount of prayer.

As Pohl so wonderfully explains, Jesus is both stranger and host. From birth, he was a refugee. Later he was not welcomed even in his own hometown. He described himself once as one who had nowhere to lay his head. And yet he was host - to the tax collector and sinner, to the prostitute and the hungry - inclusive in his own being to those most likely to be excluded. Jesus is our inspiration. He is our reference point.

We want to be Jesus in this way. All of us are a stranger to someone. And all of us can be host to someone. This is our hope at Epic. To make room for one more. And in doing so, make room for Christ himself in our midst.

There are now officially 31 more shopping days until bankruptcy!







Like the economy, the music biz seems to be suffering a major slowdown, but here's a groovy, jazzy, new album from Jazzanova worth a long listen (DJ Kris Maddox agrees!); makes a nice stocking stuffer for under $10.




808s and Heartbreak arrives on Monday. Read the review "Kanye West examines real vs. fake, puppet vs. human" by Ann Powers, critic for the LA Times for an interesting take. You can stream the album on myspace.

"This Just In...Evacuations In Diamond Bar..."

Thanks to all who have asked how we were doing with regard to the fires - we really appreciate it! We're doing just fine, but it was a little scary for a few hours there. I was at a meeting at church on Sunday morning, but was paying close attention to updates being texted to me from a couple of close friends explaining that evacuations had now reached Diamond Bar with the fire threatening our little city.

I had a few duties during worship service, but we moved them to the front of the order, so I could leave right away to make sure our house wasn't up in flames, the result of a stray ember. My friend Carey went with me in case I needed to pack up stuff, but when we got to my house, there was little smoke and no ash. And the traffic wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. The day before my family was supposed to attend a dinner in Huntington Beach, but couldn't even make it a few blocks from our place because of all the traffic pouring onto side streets, the result of the 57 Fwy being closed. Fortunate for us on Sunday, the wind was blowing in the opposite direction as was the case all weekend, such that though Diamond Bar was closer to Brea flames, Fullerton actually had way more smoke and ash. Our house was fine, but my heart goes out to those who weren't so fortunate.

While all this was happening, I kept thinking to myself that Diamond Bar makes the news for all the wrong reasons. We're a quiet little city that no one really notices us. But more recently we've made headlines for the suburban houses fronting illegal marijuana factories, then it was how our backyard may be home to the next LA football stadium, and now the Freeway Complex fire.

I suppose in our case, no news is good news.

Gas Prices. Downturn Silverlining!

Wow, I filled up my tank this morning and spent less than $30 bucks! Gas was only $2.29! Hallelujah! I have noticed that I do considerably less driving and have been more conscience of my spending, which is one of the benefits of not having any discretionary money. On a related note, I still occasionally wonder why the State increased the speed limit several years back from 55 to 65mph? The lower speed limit seemed to be safer and saves gas.

_________

There's a SUV I see around my neighborhood every so often. It's a black Infinity Q56 with a Prop 8 sticker on the back window and a personalized license plate suggesting the power of positive thinking. But what struck me was the license-plate frame which humbly boasts: "Driver carries no cash...treasures stored in heaven." Really now? I didn't know you could actually drive heaven? Don't get me wrong, I do think a person can drive an expensive car and be a Christian, but if you're going to put your beliefs out there, it's fair game.

Thoughts About Election Night

First a disclaimer: My views don't necessarily represent those of Epic Church nor its staff. I realize there are good people, and a good many of people who may differ with me on who should have been the next president, as well as differ on the various issues at stake. I simply wanted to journal somewhere about what I experienced a week ago tonight on Election Night.

I was actually at a conference in San Diego with other pastors from around the country. After dinner, a few of us headed to the Karl Strauss Brewery next door to our hotel to catch the final results and to witness the speech of our next president.

Ken Fong of Evergreen LA, Jospeh Tseng of Vision Church in NYC, DJ Chuang of Leadership Network/L2 Foundation, and I saddled up to the bar with a big screen TV in front of us. I thought it was a pretty electric atmosphere in the full restaurant...most everyone was fixated on the election coverage, including the hosts, waiters, and waitresses.

When Obama finally made his way out onto the stage at Grant Park, I turned to Ken and observed, "He looks humbled, he understands and is appreciative of what's just happened to him." Obama's speech was certainly one of the most moving I've ever heard. At once humble, gracious, inclusive, determined, and inspiring, I was impressed at the way he was attempting to pull Americans together, appealing to those who voted for him, and especially those who didn't. As the cameras panned the crowd throughout the speech, it was apparent all the people in tears...no doubt overcome with joy at the historic outcome, but also, I think, with tears of hope, hinting at all the pain many Americans are feeling...hope that things can change. I thought it was a beautiful moment.

A few nights earlier on Charlie Rose, NBC News' Tom Brokaw called Barak Obama 'the first postmodern president.' And that really resonated with me for a lot of different reasons. Obviously he's the first black president in US history. But his story - born to a Kenyan father and Kansas mother, growing up in a single-parent home, raised by his grandmother in Hawaii - in his own words somewhat of a 'mutt', and certainly not the usual person of privilege. His use of language speaks well to this generation. Then there is his bottom-up approach influenced by his community organizing work, and his open approach to foreign diplomacy. When you add the results of what exit polls suggest, that Obama won the election among minorities, women, and young people - all of this seems in part to support Brokaw's keen assertion.

Later that night back in my hotel room, one of Charlie Rose's guests commented on something an ordinary American had said at one of the polling stations: "Rosa Parks sat so MLK could walk so Barak Obama could run, so Americans could fly." It may have been lyrical, but poignant nonetheless.

Today, I read a really good op-ed in the LA Times "A Vote Too Late For Obama" that I think captures well what I've been thinking and feeling in the week since, except that I did vote, and glad that I did. As we've taught at Epic, our ultimate hope can never be in an office, or a government, or a nation. But for one night, I had that unfamiliar feeling: I was really proud to be an American.

Say It Ain't So, Nic

This morning I awoke to an article in the LA Times' announcing that Nic Harcourt, DJ and Music Director of the famously-influential KCRW radio station was moving on after 10 years of hosting 'Morning Becomes Eclectic.' As I wrote on the station's blog, his leaving is bittersweet for me. Certainly no one can fault a person who wants to devote more time to their children while pursuing new creative endeavors (as the Times noted). But I will surely miss his familiar voice and especially his UK-influenced taste in music. I discovered everyone from M.I.A. to Coldplay to Corinne Bailey Rae to The Go! Team to the Arctic Monkeys from MBE over the years. Especially cool were his "in-studio" guests to close out most of his shows. Thanks Nic for 10 great years, my ears will never be the same!

Favorite Reads

As requested, here are some of the books I've referred to in recent messages and some I have not, but rank as some of my favorites. Enjoy!

Theology:

"The Gospel According to Judas" by Ray Anderson - Erin's and my beloved professor at Fuller. His theology undergirds everything we do at Epic. I couldn't be a pastor without his insights. This is his most accessible writing, about the extend of God's grace using a fictionalized dialogue between Jesus and the famed betrayer. At once beautiful and moving. (For the more serious student of theology, check out Anderson's "Soul of Ministry," his theological treatise, and the must-read "On Being Human.")

"The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason - the best book on marriage I've ever read. Profound in every way, on nearly every page.




Memoir:

"Sacred Journey" by Frederick Buechner - Quite possibly my favorite author of all, and one of the reasons I could be a minister and stay human. First in a trilogy of memoirs both honest and heartbreaking, but ultimately hopeful. Buechner shares about his own father's suicide and daughter's bout with anorexia, and mostly about the mystery of being human. Start here, and if you like, keeping reading with "Now and Then" and "Telling Secrets."

"Grace (Eventually)" by Anne Lamott - Right up there with Buechner. Raw, earthy, and sacriligeous (I love it!), but always sweet with grace. Her stories about raising her son as a single mom are priceless in their honesty and hope. A book every parent should read, really. Start here, and if you can't put it down, also pick up "Traveling Mercies" and "Plan B."

"Drinking: A Love Story" by Carolyn Knapp - A book that changed my life. Best book on addiction I've ever read, honest and painful. It's not about the alcohol, but about the hole in our hearts in need of love.



"Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller - not particularly deep, but enjoyable, often poignant musings on faith by a skeptic, sprinkled with humility and humor. See also "Searching for God Knows What."



"Irresistable Revolution" by Shane Claiborne - Not down with the title, but nevertheless a challenging read about practicing justice as a lifestyle and the power of grassroots faith, with terrific stories about getting out there and asking boldly.



Non-Fiction:

"Devil in the White City" by Erik Larson - Winner of the National Book Award. A completely captivating and haunting story of two men whose lives intersect at the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago; One of the best books I've read - Ever.



"In the Heart of the Sea" by Nathaniel Philbrick - Another winner of the National Book Award. Before the Titanic, there was the Essex. Another fascinating and engrossing tale of coincidence, fate, and humanity at brink's end.



Fiction:

"The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver - Such a compelling story come to life it reads like non-fiction. Narrated ominously from the perspective of a wife and three daughters, a very tragic and humorously perceptive telling of a minister's family in Belgian-colonizied Congo in the mid-twentieth century.




"Unaccustomed Earth" by Jhumpa Lahiri - The Pulitzer Prize winner's latest, this time an intimate, subtle, and human telling of the longings and disappointments of the Bengali-immigrant experience through the eyes of the second-generation.

The Simple Way

I don't read many "Christian" books anymore, but I kept running into this one, so to speak, or it kept finding me. I decided to purchase it as a gift to a missionary friend of mine because I heard it was good, so I thought I'd better pick up a copy and read it myself too, in case it wasn't. Come to find, it's a really terrific read, challenging, and worth discussing with others. I understand why people thought I might like it. Though he tends to share more about successes than failures, the things that turn out versus the things that don't, I find Claiborne courageous, and well, ordinary as he likes to put it, which makes his story really hopeful for all of us. I find his take on the small and unassuming refreshing (considering Epic's story of growing smaller and smaller), and his redefinition of success as relationship, not bigness, a welcomed find (considering again, Epic's emphasis).

Anyone who has traveled to Iraq and on a whim spent a summer with Mother Teresa has the chops to say something. His story about his time in Calcutta alone is worth the read.

He is the co-founder of The Simple Way community in Philly.

Some notable takeaways to journal here so I don't forget them:

"Mother Teresa offers us that brilliant glimpse of hope that lies in little things: 'We can do not great things, only small things with great love.'" (p. 319)

"It is easy to fall in love with the great things, whether we are revolutionaries or church growth tacticians. But we must never simply fall in love with our vision or our five-year plan. We must never fall in love with the 'the revolution' or 'the movement.' We can easily become so driven by our vision for church growth, community, or social justice that we forget the little things, like caring for those around us." (p.319)

"Not too long ago, I was speaking at Princeton, and some of the students asked me how they were to choose which issue of social justice is the most important. The question made me cringe. Issues? These issues have faces. We're talking not only about ideas but also about human emergencies. My response to the well-intentioned Princeton student was, 'Don't choose issues; choose people. Come play in the fire hydrants in North Philly. Fall in love with a group of people who are marginalized and suffering, and then you won't have to worry about which cause you need to protest. Then the issues will choose you.'" (p.293)

"We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore the cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor." (p.113)

"Mother Teresa always said, 'Calcuttas are everywhere if only we have eyes to see. Find your Calcutta.'" (p.89)

The New Sin City?

Pretty much everyday I pass by the local Chuck E. Cheese on the way to and from the 57 freeway with its smoked windows, blinking lights, and promises of a good time. I pretty much can't stand the place, and one of the beautiful things about my kids getting older is that they no longer desire to go there.Just the other day I was thinking, man, Chuck E. Cheese is the Las Vegas for kids!

Consider the parallels:

1. Overstimulation. Enough said.
2. From the inside, you can't tell what time of day it is outside.
3. So-called stage "entertainment." [By the way, what's up with the rat mascot?]
4. The place sounds like a casino.
5. You leave your money: You buy $20 worth of tokens, the kids hit the "slots" accumulating 100 tickets in half an hour, all redeemable for a plastic spider ring and other worthless &%#*!

Epiphany from Guyville

I found the article on Liz Phair (LA Times, 6/22/08 , "Liz Phair's Ambivalent Return to 'Guyville'") fascinating for a variety of reasons. It recounts the reaction many women did and still have to that seminal post-feminist record, but also the backlash and accusations toward Phair since then, in many cases by those same women, for "selling out" and desiring more pop and mainstream exposure. Equally riveting is Phair's own assessment fifteen years later, adding that when she listens to "Guyville" now, "My heart goes out to the person I was."

But there was a comment written by Times Pop Music Critic Ann Powers (who wrote the story) that in particular caught my attention, an epiphany of sorts, about how I see, and how I see Epic.

Powers writes, "What Phair and the rest of the world didn't expect was just how many women would hear "Guyville" and think, hey, I live in a man's world too, and it's a problem. In situations where equality is assumed but men still dominate, women occupy a strange space between the center and the margins. They can express opinions, but they're not dictating the terms of the conversation."

I'm not so dense or blind to realize that it is a man's world still, and that is a problem. What struck me is that even in a community like Epic where we are trying to remedy gender inequality both internally and in the world at large, I had still missed something important. Though unconscious of it, I realized that I was mostly giving women what is akin to expressing their opinions. And to be fair, I do really want to know what they are thinking and feeling. But that is still a far cry from making space for and encouraging women to dictate, inform, and influence what we talk about (our agenda) and how we decide to talk about it (the process).

There's no doubt that there is much inequality at Epic and men still dominate (the illusion of equality is not assumed here), but I thought we were also making some headway. But this quote made me step back and reassess, at least as far as this was concerned. For all my so-called progressive thinking and sensitivity about such things, I feel ashamed that I had fallen so short in this case of valuing and empowering women in our midst. I had failed in letting them be equal partners in showing us the way forward. Somehow I thought giving everyone an opportunity to share their opinion was empowering, and to a degree it is. But I suppose that's part of the problem. It is only a degree, not a shift of power. It is one thing to ask women for their opinion no matter how sincere, quite another to allow them to dictate the content of conversations and determine the way we should have them.

This was not for a lack of want, I don't believe, on my part. But I had functioned with a sizeable piece missing (some may say it's my brain!) from my viewpoint and pragmatism. In that way, the article has changed the way I'm beginning to see, and hopefully, act, too.

I'm not there yet, but I've begun to quote Ann Power's comments to women and asking them to share with me how true that viewpoint is or is not from their experience. And I've enjoyed every minute listening to their stories, their reflections, their feedback, their suggestions. I've begun encouraging women to suggest to us what it is they think we should be talking about and how exactly we should go about having those discussions.

As I think about our church board and our community as a whole, I have a feeling that there is a good probability that we would talk about different things at Epic and talk about those things differently if women determined too what it is we should be discussing and the best way(s) to have those discussions. I have a hunch that the women would produce a different kind of agenda. And then maybe we'd also be a different and better kind of church community because of it. And maybe, just maybe, at least here at Epic, our man's world would be less a man's world and more equally a woman's world, and we would all be the better for it.

To read the full article click here

Mission-Tiki Drive-In

There's always a couple of things we try to do each year, mostly for nostalgia-sake, like going to Dodger Stadium, Disneyland, or camping in Yosemite, things Dorene or I did when we were growing up. It's just such a wonderful feeling to now share them with our own kids. One of those nostalgia walks is to take in a movie at the drive-in. The Mission-Tiki in Montclair (I know that sounds far, but from Diamond Bar it's actually pretty close, about 15 minutes away) and is one of the few still operating. It's also safe, relatively inexpensive, and best of all, they show first-run movies. The kids get in their PJ's, we pack up some snacks, roll out the sleeping bags, and pile into the back of the 4Runner. Last night we saw Wall-E. Pretty amazing considering hardly any dialogue (the movie that is). If there's a message (and there usually is in these Pixar films), it's as Joni Mitchell says, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." So appreciate and take of what you have. I felt like we did that in some small way last night. On a side note, the other thing I kept thinking while watching the movie was that Eve sure looked like she could be an Apple product (future or otherwise), like the iEve. No wonder Wall-E falls in love with her!

Annie Premiere

This summer, our little thespians are in the sold-out Stagelight Family Production of Annie. Here they are for the opening gala party (Allison won the "gypsy coat," given to two outstanding cast members!) and the after-party [with friends, and Charis with big brother Jarron). We're proud of them!

Coldplay Opening Night

Quite a day yesterday. Stood in line for four hours for an iPhone (something I said I would never do). All the time wondering, "Doesn't anyone work? It's Monday morning!" But once I got in line, I was committed. Partly because I was desperate too (Water damage ruined my phone a few weeks back and I lost everything!). As four-hour lines go, this one went by faster than I imagined (maybe just a rationalization for being insane) mostly because of the tight community I had built with complete strangers around the shared misery of unrequited love.

But I have to admit the greater highlight ended up being Coldplay on the opening night of their worldwide tour. Dorene and I sat straight back in Loge 1, pretty decent seats at the Forum (but the picture doesn't do it justice...OK, great phone but still junky camera apparently).

I've taken to their new album with Brian Eno, different themes, less falsetto, and was curious what kind of cocktail this would create with the rest of their songbook. If Chris Martin's comment out of the blocks ("This is our first concert since we became a new band") served as any clue about the direction of their tour (and career), the band left no doubt as they subsequently worked through six of the opening eight songs from their newest release Viva la Vida! including "Violet Hill" and the title track. It was not only a gutsy move to make a statement with their newest and most accessible singles that early in the show, but it was also an indication of where they were hanging their hat. It paid off.

I've had the pleasure of seeing each of their previous tours. This show, anchored by the new songs and considerable soul-searching between albums, has translated into a more layered sound, the music more textured and substantial, the presentation more ethereal and advant garde. Martin's voice was noticabely stronger and better and more confident. Even the old favorites like "Trouble," "the Scientist" and "Fix You" seemed to go through a reinterpretation in the new framework. Giant mood balls hanging from the ceiling, paired with the darker tones in the lyrics, resulted in a sometimes psychedelic, even beatlesque feeling in the arena, hinting at the more troubling times in the world outside.

Still they wouldn't be Coldplay without the soaring athemic attempt to inspire and connect with the audience as good-natured, self-deprecating, everyday blokes, something that makes Martin an especially endearing frontman. The new stuff still works in an arena, and the band's choice to join the crowd in the "cheap seats" at one juncture for "Yellow" and "Death Will Never Conquer" was a clue we had turned a corner for the evening. As the confetti fell over the crowd during "Lovers in Japan," simulating cherry blossom petals falling delicately from heaven, Spring had arrived at the Forum. When the band led out with joyous resolve in the finale "Death and All His Friends," Coldplay left you with the sense that whatever doubts or demons may exist, hope is there too, for them as a band, and also for us.

Lars and the Real Girl

Finally saw this movie, it's been sitting on the top of my TV for a week after my friend Kevin at Solidarity recommended it. But it was Mike Itagaki's comment during our board meeting that the film was not unrelated to what we're trying to do at Epic that really piqued my interest. It's a great film, alternately funny, heartbreaking, and sweet, sometimes in the same moment. The premise sounds strange and perverted, but the story is not really about a man's obsession with a sex doll (really!), but about a community loving someone back to health. Mike was right, it is a fable for Epic.

My New Best Friend

I was in Dallas in early June. I had the privilege of being invited to the inaugural Asian American Pastors Community facilitated by Leadership Network in partnership with the L2 Foundation, an organization committed to development of next gen AA pastors. [I laugh, because I've apparently been doing 'next gen' ministry for about 20 years now, except that the people remain in their 20's but I keep getting older! Why is that?]

The commitment to this thing is two years, a commitment I realize now is as much to the rest of the guys as it is to the process of leadership development.

If you know me, you know I'm totally cynical about conferences in general, and meetings with pastors in specific. So as we gathered for introductions, I was already feeling a bit skeptical about the whole thing when it came my turn to speak, and I said as much: "I'm grateful for being here, but I hate these things..." Right after I said it, I thought, "Crap, this sure is a nice way to make friends in a hurry!" I immediately regretted saying what I did, which was exasperated by the fact that for the next hour or so, people kept coming up to me to make sure I was OK, that I wasn't going to jump out the window or something.

Because of my response, however, the facilitator asked me to comment on the festivities we were about to begin that morning, as I stared at the long list of topics on the white board that promised to make our ministries bigger, better, faster, stronger. I was honest, I admitted I needed to give the process a chance, but that I also preferred that we just share our stories, and trust that from relationship, we would really resonate with some people and the "agenda"would emerge from friendship, mutual respect, and trust.

Well later, one by one, the other pastors came up to me and said that they appreciated what I said about being cynical. Apparently I was in good company. One of those guys was Brian Kim from Newsong NOC. We joked about how terrible it was that our churches were barely 100 yards from one another but it took being in Dallas to have a decent conversation.

Actually, Brian and I had lunch when Newsong moved into the college auditorium down the street two years ago. We crossed paths again at a Solidarity event, but that was about the extent of our interactions.

So after reconnecting, we sat down for lunch together. As soon as we got our food, I felt led to ask him about the long-distance relationship between our two churches. Was there any desire/expectation from him that we would be partnering in anything? I knew I hadn't initiated from my end.

Before he could answer, I admitted to him that Epic had just spent the last three years working so hard on having an identity, working so hard just to feel OK being Epic [and not Newsong, or Evergreen, or Mosaic] that quite frankly, I felt threatened that any partnership with Newsong might eat into that hard work. That's terrible, I know, but also very real. I felt bad about it, but that was the honest truth. Brian went on to share how on the flip side he was gun shy to initiate because of his experience with others when he did try to extend a hand. To others he told me, he couldn't just be Brian from Newsong NOC. He was always Brian from NEWSONG, as if there was a big behemoth behind him. I told him I needed to repent because that's the way I responded to him. He went on to tell me how much he admired Epic and what we were doing, which really meant a lot to me.

All I can say is that something happened at that lunch, I know for me, and I think for him. Something healing. Something good. I had found a kindred spirit.

Later that evening, after dinner, we hung out with two other guys from the conference at a cigar lounge in town (can I say that?). On the way over, I got to hear more of Brian's story, about his growing up in the 'hood, about his family, about his brokenness, about his way back to God, about his heart for people, hurting people, and his commitment to justice. I realized how much we shared similar experiences, similar hopes, similar values, similar perspectives. Plus he was just flat out a hilarious guy and fun to be with.

By the end of our time in Dallas, I half-jokingly told the rest of the group that Brian was my new best friend. Half-jokingly, of course, because I knew it was mostly true. God had done a healing in my heart. I knew that God might do something in our friendship and in our churches in our little corner of Fullerton.

All of this happened, I realize, because Brian and I shared not about our successes, but about our failures and struggles and doubts. It happened because we were able to get past assumptions to the real people we are. It happened, I realized, just the way I imagined it could when I put my foot in my mouth at the first session.

This past week, I rejoiced in knowing that part of the wonder of the Tony Campolo event was the event itself, this is obvious. But probably not so obviously, was the backstory of what happened a few weeks earlier that made it all possible. Thanks to Brian. Thanks to God.

[Thanks also to Leadership Network, the L2 Foundation, and DJ Chuang for a wonderful time in Dallas...it wasn't so bad after all =) It was great...appreciate you including me!]

Yosemite Vacation

In mid-June, we took our summer vacation to Yosemite. It was our first trip ever to the Valley without our regular camping companions The Wong's, but they are expecting in September (so I don't blame them). It was nice since the kids got out of school a week earlier than most kids, and it was noticeably less crowded, the weather milder, the waterfalls full. We hadn't been here in four years, and with the kids that much older, they were able to help with the tents, hike on their own, ride their bikes, swim, and roast their own marshmallows. We spent the week enjoying being a family after a long school year, and for me, my reprieve before going "solo pastor" with Erin starting his well-deserved sabbatical. The vacation also ended up being just what the doctor ordered. I had been sick for over a month, and still not fully well going into the trip, but it is amazing what plenty of sleep, eating well, fresh air, and a little exercise will do. Of course, all it took was one week back on the job to have a relapse, but the vacation was a pleasant reminder of why we love Yosemite so much.

Evening with Dr. Tony Campolo

Last Sunday was a historic evening of sorts for Epic. We had the privilege of tri-hosting Dr. Tony Campolo for the night who spoke to us not only about God's preferential favor for the poor, but challenging us that God's true liberation is listening to the voices of the poor, of advocating for the poor, of allowing the poor to shape our national agenda because this is where and from whom God truly speaks and is speaking. To give our lives to this is what it means to live in the kingdom. He spoke in his typically animated way with plenty of impassioned spray (I know, I was in the front row!). Dr. Campolo surprised us by closing with his famous but beloved story, "It's Friday, but Sunday's coming!" which hearkened me back to when I first got introduced to his teaching as a college student in the early 80's. Having Dr. Campolo here on the campus with us was truly an amazing privilege.

The evening was equally celebratory because of the partnership between Newsong NOC, Wilshire Ave. Church, and Epic. I joked during the festivities that I really, really liked the partnership that was forming. Newsong got Tony, fed us, led us in worship, and got the program together, Wilshire Ave provided the facilities and childcare, and Epic? Well, we brought the watermelon!

Seriously, it was a terrific event, and was so fitting for the three churches to join together around the issue of justice and our common love for the City of Fullerton. I love, respect, and enjoy working with my friends pastors Brian Kim of Newsong NOC and Kirk Mackie of WAC. We plan on meeting soon about how to partner further together.

On a side note, I was thrilled to personally meet Dr. Campolo and get a chance to have him sign my book, "A Reasonable Faith" which I first read as a Fuller student in Dr. Ken Fong's class. This is where Campolo writes, "His humanity was the fullest expression of His deity. In Jesus, everything that God is was revealed and everything that a human being is supposed to be was fully realized and both of these were one and the same." When I handed him the book, he said, "Wow, this is an old one!" I told him, "But it's one the best you've ever written, Dr. Campolo."

Catching Up

I haven't blogged for about a month, but here are some highlights and lowlights from May.

1. Went to see Estelle and John Legend at the Temple Bar in Santa Monica...great show, loud, and a lot of fun! But what a fiasco with the tickets! I won't tell the whole story here, but I had tickets, then I didn't, so I canceled the ones I had that supposedly weren't the right ones, but found out later probably would have got us into the sold-out show anyway. Regardless, I raised a stink over the phone, so the guy on the other end said, "Just come down, tell Earl the security guard that Dexter said to let you guys in." "Do you want my name?" I asked. "No, just come down." Yeah, I know. But we got in :) Props to Earl and Dexter (who ended up being real people), and to Temple Bar for letting us in!


I couldn't believe we were actually this close to THE MAN!





Me and Kev Mo-Wong at Musha's for after-show dinner.




2. Got our new hardwood floors installed downstairs, creating a week of disruption, but we're happy with how it turned out.








3. Managed to get rear-ended on the way to house church.








4. Attended the homosexuality conversation at EBCLA. I have connections with all three panelists, with Ken and Gary being good friends and Marian having done Dorene and my pre-marital way back when, and in general just appreciating her perspective over the years. I knew that with those three the evening would actually be an honest conversation among friends (just overheard by 300 others). I wanted to be a friendly face in the crowd. Read more about P.Ken's thoughts on his blog

5. Got a chance to spend a week in Oahu doing some speaking at New Hope Diamond Head, for their Living Waters pilot and also the young adult group. Got to meet and eat with lots of great people from the church including Pastor Fernando, the LW leadership team, and pastors and leaders from the young adult group. Also got to see Pastor Rob Okimura, Loriann Yukihiro, and family. Thanks a bunch to Eddie Wada for inviting me to "sow into the ministry there" and for putting me up, getting me a car, and pretty much taking care of me the whole time. I don't think we ever finished any conversation before 1AM, but it was worth it! Thanks also to Karen Yonemoto for hanging out with me on Friday, and introducing me to a bunch of her friends from First Pres Honolulu. It was fun catching up (and getting lost...twice)!


For Charis, I went to the beach :)






For Jarron, I had Waiola Shave Ice (our favorite)





Friends from New Hope Diamond Head
I made them take this picture as proof that I actually did some ministry!



6. Got back from Hawaii, had back-to-back board meetings, and crashed...10 days now being terribly sick with a cold and still counting....ugh.

31 Flavors of Irritation

Not sure how many of you visited your neighborhood Baskin Robbins for their (I think annual) 31cent scoop day to benefit local fire departments. We went last year, and waited about a half hour to get our creamy goodness. But since we live in-between two Baskin Robbins (not literally, but equi-distance between two), we decided to try the other today hoping for a shorter line. Turned out to be a bad move. We get there about 6:20PM where a decent line has already formed around the building, significantly longer than the one we stood in the year before. Because I'm a badly fallen creature, I'm already thinking in my mind, "We shoulda went to the to other store." I'm especially nervous because I have to be at an important meeting in Yorba Linda by 7:30PM. I have my doubts we're going to get our ice cream in time, but my wife is confident we will. This is not surprising, she is the one with more faith.

The line inches along, and between my constant glances at my watch and my kids beginning to wear down as the whining cranks up, I'm getting both paranoid and irritated. One of the owners (looks like it's a family-owned franchise) starts to make her way up the line with a cup of gummy bears, asking people to guess how many, with the winner getting a trip to the front of the line. At first this is cute, an attempt to entertain the crowd. But she does this a couple more times, and because we keep losing, it gets old fast, and I get a little peeved, one at myself for guessing incorrectly, but also for all the people being escorted to the front of the line in front of me. Doesn't anyone know I have an important meeting to attend at 7:30PM where we will talk about matters of the kingdom of God and the future of orphans!?

So anyway, we finally near the promised land. We can actually see into the store now from the side window. And it's here that I discover why the line is so freakin' slow - the sight of all these people holding their miniature-sized pink spoons sampling flavors! My God, it's 31 cents! Live a little, take a chance! OK, I get over it. We're almost there. In front of us there are five kids who are together, unsupervised, with no parents, and then it's our turn. Another one of the store owners stands at the door as bouncer/doorman letting people in one party at a time like this is a Hollywood nightclub. At this point it's already past 7:00 PM. But I'm going to make it. Just then, another family with stroller in tow is let in ahead of the family with no parents, winners of yet another guessing game back near the end of the line. Great, just great.

But it gets better. Then some kid in line begins to dance for the gummy bear lady. Gummy lady motions to the doorman to turn up the boom box that is on the chair behind the door. I couldn't make out what she says, but suddenly a handful of kids midway back break out in all form of dance, trying to impress the gummy lady turned judge. After a kid does the worm impressing everyone in line, gummy lady tells the kids they can all go to the front - all nine of them, including their parents!!! So into the store they march, what seemed like at least a dozen of them, in front of the jackson 5, in front of us. I immediately roll my eyes in disbelief, and then look straight at doorman and say to him, "Come on, man, this is ridiculous." A family directly behind us is irritated too, but they're much nicer, easier going, but even they lend their support, "We've been waiting here for 45 minutes," they let doorman know.

But wait, there is still more. I'm not even over the dancing kids getting a scholarship to BR when the next thing you know gummy lady is back asking anyone in line if they can produce a movie ticket from their purse or wallet? Wouldn't you know it, there are five more people who appear out of nowhere who are more happy than they have a right to be at this moment, escorted to the front door. Inside, I'm almost livid now. This is ridiculous. Freakin' unbelievable. It's also 7:15PM. Eventually, doorman lets the jackson 5 in, then us, then the family behind us all before the movie buffs, because, I want to believe, I made a stink about the injustice of waiting so long for ice cream and maybe, looking as miserably as I could muster. Once inside, of course, the other owner is incredibly nice, as is the cashier, as are the firemen who are scooping our ice cream. Once I get to the car, I feel a tinge of regret being such an ass about the whole thing and secretly vowing that I would never frequent this particular BR ever again. I suppose ice cream does have a way of softening you up a bit.

In the end, I do get to my meeting on time, and it goes really well. Later when I get home and begin reflecting on the day, I feel increasingly crummy for being so easily irritated earlier at Baskin Robbins. "Why can't I be more patient, less uptight, a better model parent?" I chide myself. But then I begin writing about it here, begin to recall more clearly why I got so ticked off in the first place. And I have to be honest, after review, I feel more than a little justified. It may not have been pretty, but the way things turned out, including expressing to doorman how unhappy I was with the day's festivities, turns out to be pretty sweet.

Getting Past Past

Reading a review in The LA Times last week, I came across this intriguing quote by Faulkner: "The past is never dead. It's not even past." It rings true. We are historical beings, the present culmination of our cumulative pasts. In that way, our past lives on inside us each new day making our past ever present. Our past lives on as memories, happy and nostalgic to be sure, but also in our soul wounds, both consciously and unconsciously. Faulker was right, our pasts are never really dead, but continually shape our future because they are alive and well in us up to the present moment.

As a pastor in particular, and I suppose just as a human being, I have attempted to assist others in getting past their past however feebly. My theology informs me that we all share a common brokenness as homo sapiens attempting to become human in a fallen world in which we sin, in which people sin against us, and just a lot of unwelcome crap, fairly and unfairly, knock on our door. My experience has led me to believe that to deal with one's past is really the only way to have any decent kind of future at all. As a person who comes from a broken home, marked by alcoholism, infidelity, and the like, and in my own forays and struggles with anger, sexual addiction, depression, and general insecurity - I happened to realize many years ago that if I didn't deal with my broken internal world, I was destined to ruin every relationship that mattered to me - including the one to myself. Years later, to no surprise to anyone I'm sure, I'm still a recovering sinner, and will always be, with my past ready and willing to rear its ugly head at anytime, threatening to ruin my today.

As Eugene Peterson once wrote, "The biblical fact is that there are no successful churches. There are, instead, communities of sinners, gathered before God week after week in towns and villages all over the world. The Holy Spirit gathers them and does his work in them. In the communities of sinners, one of the sinners is called pastor and given a designated responsibility in the community. The pastor's responsibility is to the keep the community attentive to God."

As pastor/sinner (that might look nice on a business card!), I've tried to help a community of sinners stay attentive to God by staying attentive to him myself, however imperfectly, and also acquainted to their pasts by sharing my own, even as that past continues to unfold week after week in not so pretty ways. Partly because what choice do I have, but partly because I believe therein lies our hope.

I've come to the conviction that in Jesus Christ our pasts can be healed and redeemed. Not even God can change our pasts, but he can and does help us feel differently about those pasts. He can help us react differently, respond differently, choose differently in the present by helping us face our loses, our hurts, our injustices of the past. And he gently but directly encourages us to leave all of that past stuff at the cross where we in turn find love, comfort, acceptance, and peace in those wounded and painful places. This is the power of the cross, this is the hope of the resurrection. Our pasts go in on one side of the cross and come out the other - the same past, yet different - a redeemed past. And more importantly, what is different isn't just our past, but us. If Faulkner is right, we are our own living past. But because we see our past differently now through the eyes of God, we are different too. No longer tethered to our hurts in a way that hijacks our present, we move on in freedom, empowered to choose the good, empowered to choose the way of love and forgiveness, instead of the way of fear. After all, if we are the cumulative total of our past, we are adding a new chapter to our past each day. And it can be a happier, healthier, more healed story.

That's why I am often saddened, and occasionally frustrated, by the number of people I meet and travel with, who for whatever reason can't or won't deal with their past, even as it wrecks havoc on their present. So many hurts, so much pain, so much damage, so much inability to be honest, to have deep friendship, to know real acceptance - but without facing the past, no significant change either. The past is never dead. It's not even past. How true.

Frederick Buechner said this in the introduction to one of his books, "In these pages I tell secrets about my parents, my children, myself because that is one way of keeping track and because I believe that it is not only more honest but also vastly more interesting than to pretend that I have no secrets to tell. I not only have my secrets, I am my secrets. And you are your secrets. Our secrets are human secrets, and trusting each other enough to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human."

I have found that the only way to share our secrets is to first face our secrets, which of course is another way of saying we have to open up the closet that is our past and take a look around inside. You can see inside because there is light there. But it's also dark. The grace of God is knowing he's always been there, that is, in our past, just as he is with us in the present. He is able to walk into our dark past that is now present in our hearts, or should I say throats to be more accurate - waiting to redeem them, and us. A past that is never dead can kill us, or it can make us alive. In the end the choice is ours. In a community of human beings sharing their secrets, there is Jesus among them. This is my hope for Epic. This is community as only community can be. Because through Christ, even the darkest stuff of our past can turn out to be the light that lights the way, making the past past.

El Sauzal

Hands down, the best trip to Mexico so far! Here's a photo diary of Epic's visit with our friends at the orphanage.

New Releases

At least for me, it's been a bit of a drought lately on the music scene, but I am looking forward to the upcoming U.S. releases from these UK artists:

Listen to Estelle










Listen to Duffy

Here and There

Last weekend, Carey and I took our daughters to see Wicked. Both of us had seen it before with our wives, but our two little thespians were begging to see it, so off to the Pantages we went. My daughter had prepped by watching The Wizard of Oz, listening to the Broadway Soundtrack and studying the liner notes; she's a really smart girl, but even I was surprised that she was able to not only follow along, but understand a lot of the little nuances in the story. They both really enjoyed the show, which delighted us dads. As a big treat the girls were able to take photos with and collect autographs from some of the main cast members, including John Rubenstein (the Wizard), Joanne Whorley, and the gals who played Elphaba and Nessa Rose. After the show, we had a wicked dinner at Roscoe's.


Dorene and I get a chance every now and then to spend a day together without the kids. When we do, we try new restaurants that we want to eat at, shop a bit, lounge around - pretty much all the things our kids don't have much tolerance for. It's funny, but when we're out and about, we'll talk about all the things our kids would be saying (think: whining) as we travel from place to place. Anyway, for our birthdays, and thanks to the Jeu's, we made our way up to the familiar but always delightful Pasadena (close to home, but enough to do for a day). Had meals at two hole-in-the wall diners that were featured in Jonathan Gold's Counter Intelligence column: Taquito Mexicana #2 just north of the 210, like being in madre's kitchen, and Pie and Burger on Lake and California, a diner that got stuck in the 50's, really. A big treat was finally seeing Juno (I know, sad, we don't get out much), a cute film which starts out a little cliched (which is part of the set-up), and ends up with a nice twist with surprising depth; bonus is a great soundtrack and closing song. BTW, another very good sweet/sad movie about reluctant motherhood is Waitress.


It's nice (and rare) meeting other pastors with similar DNA for their communities; I met Gideon Tsang through Pastor Ken Fong last year at the Q conference and we really clicked; got to hang out with him a bit this week; got to finally meet Eugene Cho briefly yesterday; both were speaking at Asian American Leadership Conference held here in Fullerton. I have a lot to learn from them. Check out their church's websites, great stuff:
vox veniae
quest