Intro: The Year of Abiding

God is speaking to me. He has pressed upon my mind, more than a few times now, the word abide. As in, "If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). I know the word is for me.

I know because I am tired. Someone asked me the other day how I was doing, and I told her, "I'm fried." That kind of burned out feeling, the result of going too hard for too long, which no amount of days off can cure.

About nine months ago, my wife was invited to be one of only four therapists in the country to work on a special project for the U.S. government involving a new prosthetic. It was a prestigious opportunity, and after some discussion, we decided it was something Dorene should participate in. But it required her working full-time instead of the 2 days/week she normally puts in. The short of it is that she has loved it, and I am happy that it has been a source of growth, esteem, and meaning for her. She discovered a real enjoyment for research, and that is probably worth its weight in gold.

On a practical level, however, it has not been nearly as good for me. I still kept my full-time job as pastor while also taking on full-time dad duties, too. We have two wonderful children, a 12- and a 10- year old, the older also a special needs child. On my more generous days, I am glad for the extra time I have had with the kids. But most days, if I'm honest, I am acutely aware of the havoc the extra responsibilities have wrecked on any sense of normal in my already abnormal clergy/non-profit kind of work rhythm.

But it wasn't just Dorene's work hours that was making things tough, it was also the perfect storm already brewing from commitments that just demanded more of me. All good stuff, but all at the same time. At Epic things got more wonderful, and more complicated, as we grappled with growth issues and bringing on new staff. With Oasis USA, I somehow became chair of the board which required a big investment of time with an influx of new board members and a new executive director search to manage, all the while trying to keep the organization financially afloat. JOYA was going really well and heading into our second year, with a doubling of our students and mentors in the program, but I remained the primary driver for fundraising. Without realizing it, I became event planner, concert promoter, and grant writer to go along with co-founder. I made good on a promise to stay on the board of Solidarity for another year. And places like Fuller Seminary began calling asking if I could participate in various discussions and conferences.

Like I said, all great stuff, and stuff that I enjoy, but it resulted in no margin in my life. Every week rolled into the next with no end in sight. My health took a beating, as well as my sleep, and our wonderful three-week vacation to Hawaii in August seemed like a distant memory as soon as I got back. I was glad Dorene so enjoyed her work, but frankly, most days I couldn't wait for her project to end. For the first time ever, I resigned I could live without ever preaching again. I was bored with my own voice. I had nothing fresh or interesting to say. When is that sabbatical coming?

Into this malaise and blur, God spoke to me. Repeatedly. "Abide."

I am a pastor, I know what abiding means, at least intellectually. But I hate to admit it. In reality, maybe I don't know anything about what it means. Like how to do it. Like knowing what it's like to experience that kind of relationship from the inside. Like living it.

So it occurred to me it would be a good idea just sit on this passage (John 15:1-17) for a full year. From 10/10/10 to 11/11/11. To mediate upon it. Reflect upon it. Study it. Sift it for its truth, for its life. Attempt to live it. Try to see what it's all about from the inside. To get into Jesus and to ask if Jesus could get into me. Then to see after a year - and along the way - if there is any discernable change. What will I learn? How might I live differently? Feel differently? Know Jesus differently? Will I become a different kind of person?

I've called it a blog project because I'll post my progress (or is it process?) here as a sort of diary of reflections. A place of some accountability. A place where some of my thoughts and findings and feelings can abide.